Nefarious Tutorials
If you’re an evil genius, an aspiring overlord of malevolence, or a hapless counter-iniquity agent looking for some insight to the dark and dodgy trenches of brilliant minds, feel free to read these tutorials to understand how the craft of dreadful exaction is done.
Keep Your Enemies Close, Your Vixens Closer – In my early years of evil I kept a troop of stunning twenty-somethings around me purely for ego reasons. It was the 80s and coke was basically free once you hit the international waters where my operations were, so maintaining an endless parade of jaw-dropping dry-sockets around cost less than it would have if I was feeding them. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those doughy-eyed super-models saved my life at least a dozen times. continue reading…
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Ten Tips to Hiring the Right Assassin – Whether you think you need a cadre of assassins, or already KNOW that you do, here are ten tips taken from the most ruthless overlords of all time, amassed from anonymous summit-exit surveys as from 1995 to 2003. continue reading…
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Henchman’s Survival Guide – If you’re new to the world of Evil Overlord Underhenching, there are many guidelines you have to keep handy to ensure your survival when the good guys show up to kill your boss and end the gravy train that is your easy life on some random, remote, tropical island. For example, when you find an invader on the island and you’re sure he should be kept alive, shoot him in a leg or two to make sure he can’t go far. continue reading…
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Never Be Foiled Again! – There are hundreds of ways the average evil villain is precluded from his plan, but having the knowledge of them can sometimes be enough to stave such a frustrating fate. Don’t make your ventilation shafts large enough to crawl through. continue reading…
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Spotting Spies in Moroccan Casinos – When I first published this article ten years ago in the Journal of Modern Evil & Science, it was a big hit and I received accolades from across the globe thanking me for my contribution to the advancement of wickedness. Since then there have been countless advances in spy technology and training, but some of these principals still apply, so here is my revised guide to spotting international spies in Moroccan casinos. continue reading…
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International spies aren’t in Moroccan casinos. No matter how prestigious, no matter how dry his drink, no matter how suspicious he may seem, no matter how many cocktail waitresses he may tell that he’s a spy, rest assured that he isn’t. Spies don’t do that anymore thanks to strict oversight on intelligence spending. They lose more money on a single hand than their whole department’s budget for the whole year. They just aren’t there anymore, at least not as gamblers. continue reading…
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They might be waiters – If you want to know, drop a small-time player in about a year in advance and have him watch the flow of who comes and goes. If it’s a waiter that shows up three-days before you’re scheduled to appear, that’s him. If it’s a waiter that’s been there 8-months, but he does a lousy job and doesn’t care about tips, that’s him. continue reading…
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Watch out for the disgruntled pit boss – If you’ve taken this casino for as little as a few paltry handfuls of tens-of-thousands-of-dollars, you’re on their hit list. The pit boss may be working with international agents who live in the ceiling waiting and watching you. Once you’ve taken them for big bucks, call it good enough and don’t go back. continue reading…
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Forget trying to figure it out – You’re not a gambling man, and you know that because you never put down your money unless you already know the odds, and the deck is stacked in your favor, so send in a body double while your assassins are at the slots waiting to watch the trap spring. You’re safe as long as you put a death-watch on his wrist (tell him it’s a bonus, if you like) and you’ll then have a target on that lazy agent’s head. continue reading…
