(STRANGLEPRESS–JUNE 1, 2013)– VP of Legal Affairs Dewey Pummel called a hastily assembled press conference to angrily deny that StrangleCorp is using advanced HAARP technology to control the weather. “We’re fucking tired of being accused of every wily-nilly tragedy that hits some hillbilly community!” Pummel screamed at reporters before being forcefully removed from the room by his own security. He was replaced by chief researcher Dr. Gunter Chang who explained calmly that space weaponry does not exist.
“StrangleCorp recently entered an unfilled business niche in the tornado shelter industry and this has apparently lead to a bit of confusion,” explained Chang. “We at StrangleCorp felt that underground shelters were ineffective. A tornado would suck you out of that thing like a pimento out of an olive. We instead focus on using a proprietary technology to create a personal force field covering several square yards which would deviate the storm path just enough to spare your property and life. Screw your neighbors! They should have split the cost with you!” Chang went on to explain such technology is not new, simply newly marketed.
“The military has been using such technology for years. Have you ever seen a tornado hit any kind of military installation? Sure, Tinker Air Force Base was hit by a couple of tornadoes in 1948, but recently a tornado of dubious origins on a direct path suddenly diverted south, saving billions in equipment loss. Of course, the communities to the south of the base weren’t so lucky. All we’ve done is miniaturize the same technology for personal use and passed the protection on to you!” said Dr. Chang like a carnival barker.
At this time, VP of Legal Affairs Dewey Pummel reappeared, apparently sedated but not nearly enough. “Thank you Dr. Chang. I would like to take the opportunity to explain the nature of the rumors circulating among you goddamned morons in the press,” Pummel began. “First of all, StrangleCorp is NOT responsible for the spat of severe weather that is affecting the country at this time. Every goddamned YEAR this time,in fact, but, I fucking digress. We have, however, become suspicious that Russian companies have manufactured and are using proprietary technology whose patented designs were stolen from StrangleCorp!”
When asked by reporters asked if her meant Chinese Hackers, Pummel became enraged. “You heard what I fucking said! The Russians hacked us first, then the Chinese stole it from them. The Russians already had a weaponized weather program that ‘did not exist’ in place so they were quickly able to fully exploit the technology. Meanwhile, the Chinese were still busy hacking Apple trying to make it into an app for an iPhone. That’ll take for-fucking-ever! They’re great hackers but dumb asses at marketing. Now shut the hell up, I’m talking here!” What appeared to be a dart from a blowgun abruptly ended Pummel’s portion of the press conference and a sharply dressed man entered stage left as Pummel’s limp body was dragged from the room stage right.
The man smiled serenely and the entire press corp sighed in the benevolent aura. “Hello, I am Will Strangle, President and CEO of StrangleCorp” he said calmly. Then the smile became an evil sneer. “Now listen up, you sons-of-bitches!” Strangle reiterated to the press that StrangleCorp does not possess weather weapons and that such weapons simply do not exist. He went on to threaten to file suit or take other unspecified retaliatory action against any Russian company found to be in possession of patented weapon designs stolen from StrangleCorp which, of course, do not exist.
When asked by a reporter if StrangleCorp had fears of being taken over as a result of their compromised business strategy, Mr. Strangle explained that StrangleCorp had an “old fashioned poison pill” strategy to thwart such an attempt. He then gestured subtly and several security personnel placed the reporter in a choke hold, then shoved a pill down his throat. “It comes in a suppository, too. Any MORE questions?” he asked. As the press conference broke up, Mr. Strangle urged them to think twice before accusing StrangleCorp of any other disaster, natural or man-made. “Quit writing that negative shit about us. In fact, just don’t write about us at all!”