“As you well know, StrangleCorp has a strict policy against sexual harassment. No exceptions. Now, I’ve heard the rumors…and read your emails implying that StrangleCorp’s policy of sexual harassment is not administered evenly. Many of you foolishly named our president and CEO as the prime example. To that I say, ‘Bullshit’!”. First of all, Mr. Strangle is the person who signs all your worthless paychecks. He could fuck YOU if he wanted to, so just be glad he has ethics and good taste. You ought to be minding your own business anyway.”
“Secondly, the posse of pussy that constantly surrounds Mr. Strangle are not StrangleCorp workers at all, simply contractors; so they are not bound by the same rules and regulations as you peons. Mr. StrangleCorp prefers to bind them in other ways, but that’s not your business, either. So, are we clear on that?”
“StrangleCorp does not tolerate sexual harassment. Period. In fact, StrangleCorp does not tolerate sex of any kind. You are at your job 12 hours a day to work, not fuck. Furthermore, sexual harassment diminishes the efficiency of StrangleCorp’s well-oiled machine of world domination. Harassed employees do not operate at the level we are paying them to and that pisses us off. If it’s your fault, then there will be hell to pay because, frankly, the only person in this entire goddamned organization that’s entitled to harass anyone around here is Mr. Strangle. You’ll come to understand that better if you keep this shit up.
“Consensual sex is similarly disruptive. Sexually satisfied workers are happy workers and even less effective on the job, which is why StrangleCorp bans any thoughts of sex. Rather than allowing random departures into happy thought, we prefer you remain focused on the hellish condition you work in. No flights of fancy on the clock.”
“Allow me to demonstrate the subdermal stimulator you were required to have installed to even work here. Feel that? That’s the kind of shock you’re going to get if there is absolutely any sexual arousal detected by the retinal sensors on your computer. Oh, and by the way…we have them in the bathroom, too. I’ll bet you clowns who got the free company paid genital piercings are having second thoughts on that about now!”
“I cannot emphasize enough how determined StrangleCorp is to wiping out all sexual harassment and any sexual behavior in its employees. And if I receive ANY complaints of sexual harassment, so help me God I’ll be down in your office with a strap-on full of fifty cents pieces to cold cold with you so fast, you won’t even have enough time to piss your pants. Understood, boys and girls? And dress appropriately or I’ll enact a dress code that makes burkas and clown clothes look sexy. Starting with proper shoes…mine kicking you in the ass! OK…everybody get the hell back to work…and keep your underwear on!”