(WASHINGTON – 10 June-2012) —A StrangleCorp official has reportedly altered climate research in a manner that downplays links between greenhouse gas emissions and global warming, and attributes the warming trend to “the world going to Hell in a hand-basket.” The New York Times reports that StrangleCorp’s Dr. Gunter Chang, Chief research scientist for the Council on Climate Killing (COCK) blocked critical research and made several other odd changes to the climate research he has already published. “I changed my mind,” said Chang.
Despite preliminary denials of fraud by StrangleCorp, The New York Times refused to roll over and consulted with fraud expert Jayson Blair, formerly disgraced Times journalist and fabricator extraordinaire, to examine the documents and see if any impropriety took place. Discussing details with Chang at an undisclosed location, Blair created a brief disturbance, pointing at one particular passage which read: “There ain’t no way in hell greenhouse gases cause ozone depletion and only a squirrel kissing, tree hugging liberal would even think so.” Blair smirked and addressed Chang’s creative phrasing by plagiarizing the sophomoric rap lyric, “I like the way you do that right THAR, right THAR”, as he pointed out the offending passage. “I know bullshit when I see it. That’s what I do,” Blair said confidently. Dr. Chang was allotted 3 minutes to rebuke the accusation, but used merely 5 seconds of his time, replying, “I see a dead man, right thar, right thar! That’s what I do!”
The New York Times, archenemy of StrangleCorp since 1851, has reportedly been informed by reputable scientists that there is more than enough scientific evidence to support the conclusion that climate change is real. Well, maybe not the “global warming” part but the “climate change” accusation is rock solid. Even US scientists have increased the pressure on The White House to tackle climate change in a realistic manner. Many prominent senators (and Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, as well) agree with Dr. Chang and stress the uncertainties of climate science. This has created an uproar in the scientific community, especially those in the field of climate modeling. “What’s the problem? We’ve got a lot more evidence than they used to invade Iraq,” said a senior researcher who vigorously declined to be identified or photographed.
Getting the U.S. government to buy in is essential just because of the sheer amount of greenhouse gas emissions it “allegedly” produces; many world scientists hope President Obama will no longer ignore the scientific evidence and act to cut emissions. “What do you want us to do, put diapers on cows?” President Obama weighed in alluding to the overt obfuscation of facts presuming ozone depletion is caused primarily by bovine flatulence. “Don’t bother me with this crap, I’m busy killing Al-Qaeda, thank you very much!” One anonymous scientist slickly tried to up the ante in the wit department, but only halfway made it. “Yeah…well maybe…we should put some pants on…Porky Pig…that pig…ain’t got no pants! And you know why? IT’S HOT! What more proof of global warming do you need?” said the unidentified climate researcher currently locked in the basement at an undisclosed location.
Meanwhile, after introducing Blair as its chief fraud investigator, The New York Times immediately denounced the decision, calling Blair a “fabricator of the highest degree,” and a pathological liar, then promptly fired him. In a bizarre turn of events, StrangleCorp hired him on the spot. “We want the very best!” President and CEO of StrangleCorp Will Strangle declared. At a hastily assembled news conference, Mr. Blair was asked to make a new official statement on climate change.
Clearing his throat, Blair began with, “Levels of carbon dioxide – the most common greenhouse gas in the atmosphere produced by burning fossil fuels – have increased from 280 parts per million in 1750 to over 375 ppm today.”
Neither the Times nor the White House knew whether to emit or go blind as Blair appeared to make the case linking greenhouse gas emissions and global warming. But, no man can serve two masters and the stone that killed both birds came as Blair tainted the truth with the lie: “And I personally measured every fucking ppm. I remember that day well back in 1750. Ben Franklin came up to me and said, ‘Jayson…someday all these farting cows are going to drive this planet to hell in a hand-basket…now go fetch my kite!’”
StrangleCorp insiders remarked afterwards, “Well, THAT was sufficiently ambiguous…maybe we ought to get Dr. Chang and Blair in on this Mars Mission issue. When asked how he managed to completely reverse the direction of climate research Blair laughed out loud and said, “All the hell in a hand-basket stuff is Chang’s work…I’m just discrediting it. That’s what I do.”