(StrangleCorp Press Release—26 May 2012Breaking news from Rome confirms StrangleCorp’s initial suspicions that the Pope’s butler, Paolo Gabriele, leaked confidential Vatican documents. In addition to his usual duties of handing out rosaries to dignitaries and riding in the front seat of the “Popemobile,” Paola appears to have also been responsible for handing out secrets to Gianluigi Nuzzi, an Italian journalist and author of “Sua Santita” or “His Holiness”. Inside sources reveal that the butler did it in The Pope’s office with a scanner.
“The book has the fast-paced plot, intricate connections and political intrigue of a Tom Clancy novel written under the influence of Robotussin,” said StrangleCorp VP of HR, May Helm. “Unveiling corruption, money-laundering and an internal power struggle within the Vatican, the documents embarrassed The Vatican worst than that Alien Communion debacle in 2011.” Ms. Helm declined to elaborate on the alien encounter, and would only add, “It suffices to say aliens get really pissed off when you try to deny them communion.”
Last month, the Vatican gave Cardinal Julian Herranz a “pontifical mandate” to find a patsy as the source of hundreds of personal letters, emails, texts, tweets, Facebook posts and other confidential documents released to Nuzzi. With the covert aid of StrangleCorp’s VP of Operations, Sal O’ Graves, Herranz quickly uncovered “evidence” that fingered Paolo as the guy after several high-school students tried to purchase the documents on Craiglist, thinking it was a term paper. “He may have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t been for those damned kids,” said O’Graves.
Pope Benedict expressed his appreciation for the support StrangleCorp has provided in this matter and promised to “maintain the strong working relationship The Vatican and StrangleCorp currently enjoy in global money-laundering operations.”