StrangleCorp execs insist that they will remain impartial to either candidate. “Hell, we own both of them. Makes no difference to us who wins,” said StrangleCorp CFO Robert Baron. Romney’s handlers are being proactive in casting Mitt in the Predator role. At the “weigh-in”, Mitt took a swing at Obama, charging that, “If we could harness the energy of Obama’s mouth, we’d have no energy crisis!” Romney not only firmly established himself in the position of preeminent presidential predator, but also put Obama in the subordinate position of an antagonistic alien not born here.
He went on to exaggerate the comparison with a mocking description of Obama’s political career: “Emerging from the pulsating egg of community organizers, Obama wasted no time attaching himself to the face of legitimate politics, incubating himself in the viscera of the political body, bursting forth from the body cavity amid a spray of exaggerated promises and the acid of liberal politics coursing through his veins.”
“Dude, that’s harsh,“ Obama responded angrily, describing Romney’s campaign as, “Strategically flawed despite superior financing and hiding behind a mask of false bravado to conceal the truly ugly face of his political ineptitude. He is a waffling, ineffective politician who makes serious political discussion vulnerable to mud-caked extremists with predispositions for bad metaphors.”
Despite the rousing rhetoric, it is largely anticipated that the actual debate will suck worst than a tropical depression. To pump of ratings ahead of the presidential debate, Stranglecorp is considering a warm-up debate between Bill Maher and Ted Nuggent, tentatively entitled Freddy Versus Jason. That may prove to be problematic, however, since Jason has no speaking parts and according to unnamed sources inside StrangleCorp, “We haven’t figured out which of the two would just shut up!”