Using quantum principles largely unknown to the outside world, the Baal2012 is able to pierce The Veil between the Here and There. Provided below is the transcript itself, stolen from an unsecured, unencrypted laptop left in a Washington D.C. Denny’s restroom.
12:00 a.m.- 12:05 a.m.-Osama arrives and is greeted by a contingent of 72 virgins.
12:05 a.m.-12:30 a.m.-Osama tortured and cruelly mocked by 72 Harpies of Hell for actually believing he went to Paradise. 72 grapes are shoved up his butt.
12:30-1:30 a.m.-Osama given excruciatingly boring Power Point indoctrination by two minor demons of Hell. He receives a laminated map in his welcome packet outlining the various Domains of the Underworld.
1:30-2:30 a.m.- Lunch provided. Hussein consumes his own testicles on two dry, unsalted soda crackers. No water provided.
2:30-4:30 a.m.- Power Point presentation continues.
4:30-7:30 a.m.- Satan’s Vice-President of Misery escorts Osama to each Domain of Hell and provides samples.
7:30-10:30-a..m.- Power Point presentation continues. Osama falls asleep.
10:30-10:32 a.m.- Osama awakens from a nap surrounded by 72 Virgins and realizes that his trip to Hell was only a Dream. He then awakens for real and realizes it is once again a cruel hoax.
10:32 a.m.-Noon- Osama attends a group therapy session with Hitler, Saddam, Stalin and Mussolini. Mocked and humiliated by the group as a second-rate amateur when it comes to being a symbol of evil, he is ostracized and agrees to become Idi Amin’s prison bitch for protection.
Noon-1:00 p.m.-Lunch with a gollum animated from the flab Rush Limbaugh lost over the years. Meal catered by Jeffrey Dahmer followed by a game of “Guess Who’s in the Soup?”.
1:00- 4:45 p.m.-Power Point presentation continues with history of Jeffrey Dahmer and the general Rules and Regulations of Hell. Eventually determines Moammar Gadhfi was in the soup after he pops out of Osama’s chest, greeting him with, “What’s up my brother?”
4:45-5:00 p.m.- Afterword by Satan. Informed that a test will follow.
5:00-6:00 p.m.- 1000 question test over the day’s lesson. All essay.
6:00-9:00 p.m.- Waiting for final grade in Limbo with Yassir Arafat and Ariel Sharon, watching reruns of “Gilligan’s Island”.
9:00-Midnight. Going over each wrong question in laborious detail with the promise of spending “time” in each area of Hell that he failed.
Midnight-Eternity: Fails to get a single question right; pondering how his brutal earthly mayhem pales in comparison to the tortures of Hell he is fully indoctrinated and released into the general population of Hell.