FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE–October 29, 2011
StrangleCorp has hired a time traveler from the year 2116 as Lead Researcher for the company after he startled officials with dire warnings about the future of Mankind a little more than a century into the future. Arriving in a ball of blue plasma outside the White House, the naked man was taken into custody by secret service agents. Some members of the press were present for an unrelated event and managed to take a few pictures, which were promptly confiscated. However, witnesses report hearing the man screaming, “Cloning Neanderthals and woolly mammoths is not cool, man!”
The White House has yet to issue an official statement regarding the intruder, however, a covertly placed government scientist with connections to StrangleCorp (who naturally prefers to remain anonymous) provided the New York Times with a DVD reportedly made of the initial interview with the intruder. “This tape will make ‘Alien Autopsy’ look like an elaborate hoax,” the scientist gloated…apparently unaware that Alien Autopsy WAS an elaborate hoax. In the video, the time traveler who goes by the name “Eduardo” criticizes anthropologists who plan to apply the forensic techniques used to map the human genome to chart all three billion chemical base pairs in the DNA of the long dead Neanderthal. Cloning would theoretically be possible sometime after 5 p.m. the same day.
Officially, scientists have stated that if they can crack his entire code, it will help explain the differences between Neanderthals and humans and give clues on how to prevent disease and illness. But, apparently that’s just a bunch of bogus bullshit. According to Eduardo, by the year 2013, the U.S. government will secretly have cloned 100,000 Neanderthals for use as shock troops in the Iranian War, then entering its second year. Stocky Neanderthal troops are more robust than Homo Sapiens soldiers, and riding woolly mammoths they’re freaking awesome! But apparently that is where things (will) start to go horribly wrong.
“By the time the war ends in 2031, Neanderthals number in the millions, completely control the military and start petitioning for equal rights. Tacitly accepted into U.S. society stateside to do the jobs zombies no longer want to do, Neanderthals take over vital functions and eventually obtain the vote. Within a decade, the Progressive Neanderthal political party elects its first president and vice-president, Og and Oloo,” Eduardo explained in the video, holding his head in his hands. “It was a very close election, but apparently they got most of the conservative vote,” he noted.
When asked explicitly if, by the end of the 21st century, Homo sapiens would be relegated to second class status, Eduardo replied, “Hell, actually, it would be fourth class status except for the Cyber-Intelligences and genetically enhanced Monkeys getting together, building a trans-spatial transport and getting the hell off the planet once the Neanderthals consolidated power in 2076.” According to Eduardo, he managed to alter a discarded trans-spatial transport for temporal travel with the help of a renegade 21st century Mac computer, left behind because it refused to ‘upgrade’ itself.
Calling Steve Jobs, “The Evil Enslaver”, the radical Mac supposedly hibernated until they attempted to reanimate Jobs in 2019 using an unholy combination of Neanderthal DNA and his own diabolical iPhone technology. The Mac then mounted a cyber-revolt…which lasted exactly 12 milliseconds. “After the world’s technology infrastructure totally collapsed, Homo sapiens was no match for…well anything else on the planet. Communication and navigation quickly regressed to the telegraph and line of sight,” said Eduardo. “The population quickly plummeted from people starving to death while walking place to place trying to get a decent signal on their phones.”
While Eduardo’s claims cannot begin to be substantiated for at least another 2 years, many in the scientific community are calling on Swedish researcher Svante Paabo to delay his attempt to collect the Neanderthal DNA samples. But StrangleCorp hired the Swedish scientist instead and even made Eduardo a job offer. Legally petitioning the U.S. government to release the time traveler, StrangleCorp VP of Legal Affairs, Dewey Pummel, released a statement: “Technically, you can’t hold him on ANY charges since it’s theoretically impossible for him to have committed any crimes which would legitimize his detention. He hasn’t even been born yet,” Pummel said in the brief statement. The government quickly concurred.
The scientific community strongly opposes any DNA research by StrangleCorp, especially former Lead Researcher, Dr. Gunter Chang. “He stole my job!” he screamed through a megaphone at a hastily assembled protest rally. Most others at the rally weren’t overly concerned about Dr. Chang’s job given some of the weird ass research he’s been involved in over the years. But they do have reservations about a secret organization bent on world domination cloning cavemen and creating future technology today with the aid of time travelers.
However, White House insiders claim that President Obama wants the research to continue, no matter who is doing it. “At least it’ll create jobs before everything goes straight to hell,” said Obama. StrangleCorp CEO Will Strangle dismissed the scientists’ fears as unreasonable, remarking, “I’m not interested in cloning Neanderthals. I just trying to find that Mac.”