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Homeland Security cites credible Godzilla threat

Posted on 22. Oct, 2011 by Expletive Deleted in Classifieds, Surplus Sales

After months of deceiving the public that the color code system was obsolete, Homeland Security has suddenly elevated the alert level to “Red” in the New York City area. The re-creation and elevation of the confusing alert system occurred after receiving information that indicates a high probability that terrorists will try and unleash a giant reptile in the city’s financial district.

“Apparently, the Occupy Wall Street thing is fizzling after to Porta Potty embargo, so other sites are also under increased alert, such as Madison Square Garden and the Brooklyn Bridge…generally any place you can crap,” Mayor Bloomberg announced earlier today. “New York City is not going to be cowed by nondescript terrorists, make no mistake about it. The people of New York know that giving in to terrorists is exactly the wrong thing to do. Like killing hobos,” he said after breaking ground on yet another Bank of America building under heavy security.

The elevated alert came in part as a result of the arrest of an alleged Occupy Wall Street operative in a Cornell University library in mid-July. “The operative’s computer contained detailed plans pertaining to the release of a bioweapon in the heart of New York City,” said an intelligence agent who declined to be identified. The bioweapon, code-named “Godzilla”, was to be smuggled into New York underwater as to be virtually undetectable by Coast Guard and harbor authorities.

“It’s insidious,” said an unidentified employee of Homeland Security after a few drinks. Upon arrival, the Bioweapon was to seek seclusion underground and lay an enormous number of eggs, which would in turn hatch and gradually devastate the city’s financial district.Bohemians occupying the general area was optional.

The intelligence agent went on to describe a sophisticated computer simulation found on the suspect’s laptop, that illustrated the creature taking on the U.S. military and occupying the deserted heart of the city and screwing the Yankees.

But New Yorkers remain defiant. “No giant reptile is ever going to get the best of us. We’re New Yorkers! We’re tougher than any other group of people in the world! We’ll make boots out of that bio-engineered lizard! Even though we ain’t from Texas. Not really boot wearers ourselves. But we could be..if we wanted, I mean,” one unidentified New Yorker proudly rambling on. While several dozen in the crowd chanted, “New York, New York, New York!” with raised fists, the festivities were briefly interrupted by a drive-by shooting, which sent 3 to the hospital with minor injuries, mostly cuts and scraps from hitting the sidewalk. The shooting was attributed to an on-going mob war between rival Russian gangs.

To further complicate the credibility issue, it was learned yesterday that some of the information used in defining the formerly current alert were several years old all along. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano addressed the issue at a news conference today.

“The Occupy Wall Street masterminds have a habit of creating plans years in advance, and refining them only when they are about to be executed,” she said. “We think this information is credible. We think it is accurate. And we think it is imminent. Godzilla will attack New York City…eventually. Otherwise, I don’t know what the hell is going on.”

Napolitano also presented proof that this attack scenario is not without precedent. New York was a highly coveted target even in the years leading up to World War II when Nazis planned to release a giant genetically altered ape into the city. Abandoning “Project Kong” in favor of an even more obscure program called “Hellboy”, the city was miraculously spared. So to others that dwell securely outside of New York City, the legitimacy of the newest threat is uncertain.

As one unidentified Midwesterner put it, “I’ll believe this story about radiation creating a giant, egg-laying amphibian when I see it. That’s not even a good movie plot. I can’t imagine the lead actor really ever getting into it. I mean, who comes up with this apocalyptic crap anyway?” When reminded of the nuclear incidents in Japan earlier this year, he then responded, “Wait, what?”

In a totally unrelated story, an unidentified StrangleCorp employee has been arrested in Ohio on charges of releasing, “genetics of unknown origin” into the Ohio River. More in this story as it develops.

Tags: Godzilla, homeland security, stranglecorp