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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Coming to a Theater Near You

Posted on 28. Nov, 2010 by Expletive Deleted in Press Releases

After careful analysis of Mel Gibson’s success with “Apocalypto”, StrangleCorp has committed to produce a film with master mimic of mythology George Lucas. George has signed on to sink his directing chops and vast FX technology into the biggest epic of mayhem and violence ever witnessed by mankind: The Apocalypse. With a production budget equal to the GNP of a mid-sized country, StrangleCorp is poised to seize the summer box office by its irrational wallet. Plus add fuel to the upcoming 2012-end-of-the-world hysteria and mass merchandising event. Below is Mr. Lucas’ open letter of acceptance and his strategic vision of the film project.

Greeting All;

I’m excited to announce my intention to produce an epic film of literally historical proportions and present the opportunity for each of you to become part of this ground-breaking project. You already know that in 2006, thanks to the likes of “Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest,” and “MI3,” Hollywood has narrowly reversed the drop in attendance numbers that gave us nightmares of a box office apocalypse in 2005. Recent box office revenue has recovered, but is that a trend reversal…or a reprieve?

After burning through most of the popular television series of the 1960s and 70s, Hollywood found itself bereft of new ideas for movie remakes by 2007. Sure, fans of these old serials prefer to think of movie adaptations as “continuations” rather than remakes, but, damn, what’s left, “Gilligan’s Island” and “Green Acres”? Yes indeed, we are so screwed!

The main malfunction of gems like, “The Dukes of Hazard,” “Starsky and Hutch,” and “Charlie’s Angels” is these series were only popular in the 70′s. Just how sophisticated are the audiences today compared to then? Hard to say based on the success my “Star Wars” franchise has seen. A few robot armies, some metaphysical mumbo-jumbo and exotic beasts ripped from the “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy I can generate more revenue than all the freaking thought-provoking dialog in “Dune”.

FX still rules, but unfortunately, my friends, the era of the television series remake is over. And once the TRON sequel finally comes out, films based on video games will pretty much be toast, too. What’s left, “Donkey Kong: The Reckoning”? OK, maybe that’s not such a bad idea, but you get the point.

Remake or sequel, by the time we figure out that “more 3D cowbell” isn’t going to add depth to a lame story, the film’s already in the can and test marketing badly; the release date gets delayed while we rework it and the marketing hounds of hell are unleashed to over-hype the project.
Rinse, repeat.

The surest sign of a dog of a film is an ad featuring a series of rapid-fire, endless one-second edits of all the action scenes and a release date sometime next year. Throw in some 3D effects and the financial loses could create a localized blackhole in our bottom-line.

I know you’re asking yourself: “George, you are the master of modern mythology and disjointed sequels. If remakes are dead, what now?” Future history. Yeah, but those themes are dangerous and the movie may appear dated before it ever hits theaters. The only thing left is to produce a body of work that reflects total originality that can stand up to critical scrutiny and the test of time…like “Indiana Jones”. But, what do you do if you don’t have a Speilberg around?

Originality takes time and runs a risk, ripping off something that already has a record of popularity in the past is easier to sell to the execs. And speaking of corporate decisions, take “Rollerball”, for instance. A popular movie from the 1970′s, a remake was an executive no-brainer…seriously they thought about it.

The problem was that original was a self-contained story with no sequel because any sequel would only be about 15 minutes long after Jonathan E got “retired” by a corporate sniper. That’s the beauty about not having a sequel, but the problem with tales about the near-future is they can quickly go bad with too short an expiration date. It’s 2011 and where’s my damned Rollerball, right? At least we have PC’s and no punch cards, which is more than the world of Jonathan E had. Go to Geneva just to access a computer?

We have to change our focus but still not abandon our strong points: superficiality and deep pockets. This is exactly what created the memorable scenes of Carmen Diaz shaking her little ass in her panties in “Charlie’s Angels” and Jessica Simpson washing a car with her tits. Didn’t do much for the merits of the entire film, but who cares as long as we get their money? OK, there may be spirited hypothetical discussions on the message boards wondering if Simpson washed cars with her tits for a living, could Diaz’s ass dry them fast enough to keep up. That means they’re still talking about.

Take “The Matrix”. The message boards actually made much more interesting connections and drew more original conclusions from the convoluted, philosophical psychobabble spread like bread crumbs than the trilogy did. Sure, the Wachowski brothers tried to obscure the “humans as batteries” premise from the first movie… but look where that led? And don’t get me started on LOST!

The only real solution is for Hollywood to make movies about future events that never come. It’s foolproof. New facts never discredit the premise and compulsive-obsessive fans will make connections between your fiction and their reality that you never even imagined. The illusion is self-perpetuating and airtight…as long as you don’t make a sequel. If Hollywood wants to do a remake of sorts AND extrapolate the future, they should try a movie about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The tale has been told for centuries, the characters ill defined yet well-known…and best of all, there is no sequel. And after seeing how I can butcher a sequel, maybe it’s better that way.

I figure we get George Clooney to play the part of War, the First Horseman. You know, kind of mischievous in a Hans Solo sort of way? Nichole Ritchey hasn’t yet committed as Famine but we’re hoping negotiations go well. I am confident that StrangleCorp can help in securing other big names for the other Horsemen, virtually assuring a butt load of money for me, and an obscene return on investment for StrangleCorp.

Once again, thank you for including me in this lucrative enterprise. I have forwarded my first draft of the script scribbled on a paper towel for your review.

Tags: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, stranglecorp