Friday—November 12, 2010–StrangleCorp purchased rights to the NFL’s foam finger franchise for an estimated $700,000,000 over five years, expanding StrangleCorp’s death-grip on the useless novelty merchandise market. “StrangleCorp is committed to providing high-quality custom foam fingers to NFL fans that appeal to their unique sense of team spirit,” said Robert Baron, CFO of StrangleCorp. Baron would neither confirm nor deny if the deal also included stadium cushion seats and other foam merchandise.
Mr. Baron indicated that StrangleCorp plans on beginning their new marketing push with the Dallas Cowboys, whose fired coach, injured quarterback and 1-7 season is poised to bring the quickest return on investment. Unveiling a blue outlined foam finger customized with a star for Cowboy fans, Mr. Baron pointed out the updated design: with the middle finger extended and the words, “You suck!” written across the bottom. “We are confident that we will recoup our initial investment many times over by the time this season is over,” he said.