StrangleCorp.com

TUTORIAL: Never Be Foiled Again!

There are hundreds of ways the average evil villain is precluded from his plan, but having the knowledge of them can sometimes be enough to stave such a frustrating fate. Don’t make your ventilation shafts large enough to crawl through.

Don’t leave riddles to show how smart you are. Maniacal laughter often wastes precious time during which your enemy can gain the upper hand.

• Any armor you give your henchmen should be functional, not strictly for decoration.
• Never gloat over a critical kill, just pull the trigger the first second you can.
• Don’t ask for, or offer, any clever stories. Time is of the essence so long as your enemy is still alive.
• Do not leave a self-defeating ventilation shaft in your otherwise awesome Death Star.
• Never bed the enemy, no matter how seductive she is. If you really want to stick it to her, wouldn’t the revenge be that much sweeter if she was first freshly dead? It certainly makes for more compelling hostage videos and a greater legacy of evil.
• No matter how good you think your karate is, always carry weapons on your person, preferably with 3rd party lockouts. So only YOU can fire your guns, but you still have a knife in your belt, one in your shoe, one in each sock, and another in your belt. You’ve got the money for a doomsday device, an investment in a comfortable dozen knives won’t break the bank.
• Dress the exact same as your henchman, so when the invasion comes you can throw a hat on and say you’re one of them. For that matter, mask your face while Overlording. It worked to get Cobra Commander away, and knowing is half the battle.
• Do not connect your evil doom network to any outside PC, lest it immediately be hacked. Even Microsoft suffers this problem, and that evil corporation has hundreds of billions invested in making it secure.
• Kidnap magicians and escape artists with the challenge of breaking in to and out of your fortress. If those guys can’t do it, it can’t be done. You’ll be shocked how many holes you find in your security before you let them go or slay them for their cooperation.
• Target practice is mandatory for all your guards. Bullets cost money, but nothing costs more than guards who don’t know how to shoot a gun when your lair is overrun by a handful of Peruvian National Guardsman, notoriously the laughing stock of the region, who destroy your forces in an hour.
• Keep visible cameras and invisible cameras. Invaders will spot the obvious ones and disable them, but the REAL cameras will watch them do it. Also, use some technology more sophisticated than that, we’re in a whole new millennium now. If you can’t afford decent security you deserve to be overthrown.
• Don’t keep your evil plans on your thumb drive, laptop or other place government agents can use it against you in court.
• Put a fake spy in your own midst every month, so dissenting voices will never know if there is a real uprising, or if it’s just another false alarm looking to shake the snakes out of the grass. Setting up a reporting system for this will guarantee a steady stream of complaints, and those who don’t are just as dangerous.
• Always have a crack-commando squad heavily trained, well-paid and on-the-ready. When the shit goes down, you don’t want to mess with lackeys in Halloween costumes checking out that noise in the brush, you want the real deal… and keep a second squad in case it’s a decoy.

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Tags: domination, failure, foiled, joy, safety, security, success, wonder

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