TUTORIAL: Henchman’s Survival Guide
If you’re new to the world of Evil Overlord Underhenching, there are many guidelines you have to keep handy to ensure your survival when the good guys show up to kill your boss and end the gravy train that is your easy life on some random, remote, tropical island. For example, when you find an invader on the island and you’re sure he should be kept alive, shoot him in a leg or two to make sure he can’t go far.
Always state your name repeatedly to all around you, as it’s the surest way to avoid anonymous elimination. Even if you die, you may become the martyr saint of henchman. When you meet a strange, foreign, beautiful woman on the beach, do not approach her with kindness, but with backup. Feel free to print these out and study them daily, because they will save your life the first time you face the enemy you’re paid to keep at bay.
- Be the first to train for combat, but the last to actually engage in it.
- Regularly test your weapons to make sure they fire, and keep some backups like knives around too.
- Strictly adhere to orders. Boss says “take him to the dungeon,” you don’t pause, stop or reconsider for any reason, period.
- Never speak to prisoners or invaders. They are only there because they’re smarter than you, so you will lose any match of wits. That’s their plan.
- Cut a wide berth around vats of acid, pits of snakes/monsters, and your bosses love interest. Any could get you killed, some more slowly than others.
- If asked to battle a particular enemy one-on-one, politely suggest an outright execution may better serve the interests of the organization.
- Never investigate potential intrusions alone. Work in pairs at least, have backup handy, and declare emergency at the first disappearance of a soldier.
- Don’t wait your turn to attack the intruder, do it all at once in a big group and kick the living shit out of him. He may seem dead, but you can’t be sure he’s really dead enough.
- If the last batch of henchman failed to stop the invaders, don’t accept orders to go in, but suggest maybe the very best soldiers should handle it with ease instead.
- Never permit a prisoner of any gender to provide you oral sex, even through the bars. This never ends the way you hope it will.
- Bear no distinguishing marks, like visible tattoos, piercings or facial hair. If you are arrested, you can claim innocence of the countless deaths you caused as long as no one can be sure if it was you. Same is true for intra-office incompetence.
- Pay attention at orientation. Though things like “make sure the locks are closed after feeding” may not seem important, they can come back to haunt you when you find a dozen SEALS in your fortress and you stuck holding the key. If the SEALS don’t kill you, your colleagues will.
- Find tiny scratches and nicks in your coworker’s uniforms to use as identification, that way, if you see someone with “that scratch on Dave’s uniform”, and he doesn’t respond like Dave, you’ve found an intruder and spared your own life. It might even get you lieutenant.
These guides may not make you the best trooper in your legion of doom, but they should keep you alive long enough to fight another day, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what really matters; being alive at the end of the day?
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