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TUTORIAL: Ten Tips to Hiring the Right Assassin

Whether you think you need a cadre of assassins, or already KNOW that you do, here are ten tips taken from the most ruthless overlords of all time, amassed from anonymous summit-exit surveys as from 1995 to 2003.

1. Military Training a Must. If they’ve served under command, they know how to kill without crying, and there’s no room for crying in the field of assassination.
2. Discount for Calling Cards. Some calling card killers are quaint, but most end up compromising the slaughter for the sake of making their work be known. Calling cards connect back with you quickly, and half the time these silly gimmicks don’t even work. Unless the trademark is a bullet to the head, it just doesn’t pay to be creative.
3. Crazy Only to a Point. You want to hire them crazy, because the sane ones won’t work for you, but once you start taking them full-on schizoid you’re just asking to be the next victim.
4. Always “Pay Them.” Whether you reward excellence with cash bonuses, wholesale slaughter privilege, psychedelic disco parties, or swift death, make sure you administer your intra-departmental justice swiftly, or yours may be the next head on the pike.
5. Blacklist Go-Getters. Never hire an assassin who is gunning for the top spot, or once you turn your back, you may find him gunning you in the back of the noggin for your top spot. See the logic is right in the initial metaphor.
6. Keep a Hungry Sex-Kitten Down the Hall. When the good guy comes to get you, your last line of defense is never in your room, but just down the hall. You need to keep a gorgeous woman there you never sleep with. If you do, she’ll lack the hunger to molest any man who passes through her sites. If that lioness lacks bloodlust, he’ll destroy her before he can sniff her scent, but as long as she’s hungry, your early warning for escape-pod-activation will be unbridled moaning ripping through your concrete walls. Best case, she buys you two-to-three-minutes, but best case, she actually kills him.
7. Periodically Pare Down the Pack. Especially when times are quiet, it’s important to kill off at least 10% of your assassin force per year. If they’re really obedient, look for slightest instances of insolence or incompetence to throw them to the wolves. Or piranhas if that’s what you have.
8. Avoid Ex-KGB. If you think the CIA guys are in the pocket of Big Oil, you can’t imagine how bad the Russians are. If there’s one wallet deeper than Big Evil, it’s Big Oil.
9. Don’t Be Black. This is a hard one, but it’s important because for some reason, the blacks tend to die off in the first wave whether it’s horror movies, spy films, or legitimate assassin regimes. They make for great strategists, inventors and collaborators, but once put on assassination duty, they drop like flies no matter how burly or skilled.
10. Keep One-Liners Under 5-Words. Many of the world’s most skilled assassins have been undone by overly long death lines. We all appreciate taunting the soon-to-die with witty quips, but take The Killer of Calcutta, whose line of choice was, “Pardon me there my good friend, but it appears you’re no longer able to curry my favor.” He got away with this line twice, but on his third attempt it took too long shake the damn thing out and he got his head fed to a 20-ton press for waiting. Keep it simple, live to kill again.

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Tags: assassins, hitmen, killers, mercenaries, safety, security

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