TUTORIAL: Keep Your Enemies Close, Your Vixens Closer
In my early years of evil I kept a troop of stunning twenty-somethings around me purely for ego reasons. It was the 80s and coke was basically free once you hit the international waters where my operations were, so maintaining an endless parade of jaw-dropping dry-sockets around cost less than it would have if I was feeding them. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those doughy-eyed super-models saved my life at least a dozen times.
Now I’m older, and even though coke is pennies on the dollar from what it cost back then, it’s much harder to find attractive, HIV-negative women, especially blond ones, willing to work for snowflakes. The payroll may have swollen, but the benefit of keeping them around has remained the same.
Any international spy worth his weight in caviar has a weakness for buxom dames of eager apertures. Back then I didn’t satisfy them because of my coke-dork, which rendered me entirely harmless the kitties of my female compatriots, but these days, as my years advance, even my best medicated passion can only satisfy about one of them.
The result of having beautiful young women in the wings all thirsty for a man is that, long before I can detect a would-be evil-thwarter is in my presence, he’s already elbow-deep in one of my finest disposable ladies of the island, leaving me ample time to bring in one of my many doppelgangers while making my escape to whatever new Death Star I’ve had under construction in the mean time.
Keeping your enemies close is important, but not as important as keeping the appropriate shark bait around to make sure that no matter how bloody the water gets, you’ll always be the least attractive feast in the water.
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